A Calmed down feeling… So now to focus and rebuild the broken pieces.
I feel better. I feel like all of the emotional weight was taken from my heart and thrown into a test tube, then spun in a centrifuge and now the feelings of being hurt have been separated from some of the old feelings of being happy. And those old feelings of maintaining a happy self are in a slow-growth phase, slowly reviving, almost like rebuilding old connections between brain cells when re-learning information. At first, I distracted myself from the realization of being ghosted with gathering more information on Alzheimer's Disease for my thesis and reading about SARS-CoV2, just trying to bury some emotional sadness away. But I only felt more anxiety and emotional pain, which distracted me from being focused on what I needed to focus on.
A few days ago, the guy who ghosted me, texted me, apologizing and then asking how I was. At first, I felt a bit curious but then felt a tug in my heart that seemed to be a rekindling pain. I finally decided to talk to a long time friend whom I haven’t seen for ages (around five years now since he had to leave to go for military training back in Korea), since he’s a close friend of mine and he helped me dig my way out of a deep hole, making me laugh, and sharing his wisdom from what he had seen during his time as an officer during military training. He became my support buddy because I always feel comfortable telling him everything that happens and he’s always there to listen. I messaged the guy who ghosted me and just told him that I felt hurt. And that I didn’t want to pursue any form of contact with him anymore.
I told my Korean friend afterward, that I felt a bit happier and that a weight had been lifted from my heart. And he joked and asked me if I was drunk!
It felt nice. It was a fantasy in the past two months when I talked to the guy, and he kept me company during the quarantine. But in the end, nothing but pain happened. I was naive, and still am since I have a lot to learn as both a scientist and a young adult. But once again it was an experience that I should take to heart.
But… now, no more looking for romance! I’ll focus on my interviews, certification exams, and most importantly, my thesis, and then I’ll be finished with my masters! Probably once in a while watch a few Korean dramas, and daydream for a bit 😅.
