Learning more about myself as I Navigate the World of Adults
Hello again medium platform! I guess I’m back to writing a bit, just to reflect on some thoughts! It’s been almost a year since I finished my master's, and it’s been almost a year since I’ve not been a school student but a student in the world of adults, and it’s been so much fun! Although… emotionally, it’s been a lot of ups and downs.
1. Learning about the world and not placing myself in my tiny bubble
I’ve learned so much about the world of adulting. And I never really realized just how messy society could be…. Yep…. (It’s quite embarrassing, to say the least). When I was a student, I kinda went into school mode and then isolated myself from a lot of the events that happened outside until friends, colleagues, or my parents made mention of a current event, and I’d seem like an idiot and just have my mouth hang open, nodding profusely. I only seemed to pay attention to the world of science and tried to keep up with the current events in that category (oops… 😅) Now I don’t do that anymore. I’ll try to keep up with what is going on around the world (besides politics since I’m still not familiar with a lot of the ins and outs about it), and also learn more about anything that catches my attention, regardless of whether it’s science or not!
2. From the pandemic, I’ve realized just how much of an introvert I am
Some of you may be nodding about being an introvert. It’s really relaxing, to be truthful. For me personally, I like my weekends where I spend the whole day just experimenting in the kitchen while listening to music, or I take myself out on dates for long hiking trails, scenic drives or (now that the weather is warm/hot) picnics, and make and eat yummy food as I people-watch or nature-watch or read a good book or article(s) on Alzheimer’s. My boss recommended a book to me a few weeks ago and I’ve ordered it. It arrived just a few days ago, and I can’t wait to start on it soon… after a few other books that I still need to finish. I also have one too many movies that I haven’t seen, and a few friends have complied a super long list for me. The Star Wars series being one of them (ahh! Please don’t hurt me! 😖) And the list is a bit daunting…. 😨 I’m also catching up on fun dramas that I’ve been wanting to watch for a while too! I enjoy just munching on yummy snacks as I watch East Asian dramas.
I’ve also realized that being around people drains me, unless it’s a single person and is used to just being themselves, no matter if they’re weird or funny, or have random outbursts. [Large] group settings tend to turn my brain into a dead battery all too quickly, since it feels like there’s too much information processing going on, from faces to gestures and postures. A good analogy to describe my feeling is like an old phone that has a battery quickly drained and then requires to be charged for a super long time before it reaches 100% full charge. Luckily I’ve got an activity that lets me recharge lightning fast (like a usb lightning cable) and that’s my favorite sport: fencing!
3. It feels nice to go back to hobbies that I had enjoyed before the pandemic and also I’ve picked up a new one
I’ve recently gone back into fencing. And I have to admit, some of the fencers that I’ve met, fenced, and/or befriended, feel like they are on another playing field. It’s been over a year since I’ve fenced, but I’ve quickly readjusted and am now fencing some amazing fencers of all ages, and it feels so exhilarating for me compared to when I was fencing during my school years. And once again, I’m still learning new tricks, skills and getting advice from other fencers on how to improve. I love it so much!
I’ve recently started learning Korean as well. I’ve been wanting to learn from a young age since my dad used to travel to S. Korea for business (once in a while) and always came home with small stories or attempts to say a few words but butcher pronunciation (it’s cringey really…) which got my curiosity about Korean. Now I’ll have time to self-learn (and an old friend who’s offered to help) so let’s see where this adventure takes me.
4. That improved skill for me called cooking = a necessity for a food and science lover
I find that nowadays, I’ll spend most of the time in the kitchen, cooking or baking. Cooking is a hobby for me and it’s relaxing, even though one of my close friends always complains to me and says, “No… that’s not a hobby. That’s called an essential for life.” And I’d shake my head and tell him, it’s relaxing for me. We’ve been bickering about this since the first year of undergrad, where I met him in fencing. On the weekends when my parents call me to check up on me, I’ll tell them what I’m making (even sending them pictures of the foods) and every single time, I never fail to make my mom either want me to go home (or come over to the East coast) and cook for her, or make her drool or hungry. She’ll often complain how my dad lacks to either put more spices in the dishes, or more of some other yummy ingredient. I always just laugh so hard when my mom complains to me about it, and my dad, who’s right next to her, complains about her complaining in a mocking tone. My dad always thinks he’s the best cook in our family, where I’ll refute and say “Mom complains about your cooking! You’re too stingy with using ingredients and you still have a lot to improve ~.”
Often times I’ll sometimes take a dish, add in a bit more of something or readjust a flavor to make it a bit more/less spicy. Or maybe I decide that “Hmm…. I wonder if I can bring the pH of this dish up a bit more if I add in X, and/or Y.” And sometimes I just get creative with the ingredients that I have in my fridge. Nowadays, I’m learning how to make Japanese foods. Just writing about making food is slowly making me want to plan what dish I want to make for the next week… 😋 and… uh oh, I think I want to eat something… time to head back into the kitchen…
5. I still cannot, for the life of me, not be an emotional human
Sometimes I wish I could numb some emotions, like that one time I got ghosted. Don’t want to experience it again… During the pandemic, a best friend and I fell apart, and it also hurts when I think about it. Lately, I’ve been thinking about him, and my heart just shakes because of it, and I end up sniffling as tears just flow out of my eyes. I don’t like it, and I’m trying to just let that friend go for good, but also embrace the many fun adventures and memories that I’ve always had with him. But it’s just so hard since I felt a really deep connection with him.
Also sometimes listening to music or even watching dramas/movies makes me cry too easily. I get too attached to some characters… I need to become emotionally stronger.
6. My loved ones who are worried about my dating life? Why should they care? Just let me be free!
An often question I get from my parents (and a few relatives back in China) nowadays is: “Have you met anyone new?”, in the context of dating. My answer is the same, “No”. Then they start to ask if friends can introduce me to people… when they bring this up, I kinda just want to roll up like a panda and hibernate. They confuse me as well since during the days when I was a student, it was always “dating is a waste of time” or “No dating! It will distract you from school!” But I definitely know that they’re starting to worry a bit… cause in a few years… from Chinese standards at least, I’ll be a “leftover”! (Hee hee! 😉) My parents definitely confuse me in so many ways…
Another friend keeps attempting to set me up on blind dates, but they’re either too old for my preference or too young. I keep telling him “Pass. Not interested.” “Aren’t you tired of being a third-wheel all the time?” He asked and I just smirked and didn’t say anything. Then he made a joke which I didn’t quite appreciate, but I shrugged it off since that’s just how he is.
Nah! I don’t think I want to date (although I did poke my head into the dating apps again for a second, only to quickly back out again). Also just nervous to meet new people… especially with what’s going on in the world. I’m trying to be a bit more cautious with my heart nowadays. It feels draining and is possibly a waste of time. And on an emotional level, I’m drained and just emotionally tired because of the questions/comments of “why aren’t you dating/you should date” etc. So, if I have to marry, I’ll just marry into science! (Let’s just not let my parents or extended family ever know I said that 🤫) I don’t really want to deal with messy emotions. I just want to focus on what I’m doing at work, since I have so much fun in the realm of research and science, and also, trying to improve myself is a journey as well.
7. I’m still learning, since life, for me, will be a lifetime of learning
Learning will never cease to stop in my world. In science, there’s always something new to learn, to read, and to get a more in-depth view of, IF it catches my attention (which it never fails to…) Eventually though, I’ll want to return to research on Alzheimer’s since it’s a personal thing for me, but what I’m doing now, by deviating from neuroscience research, it’s helping me examine neurodegeneration from a different perspective, learn about other diseases, as well as pick up different techniques that could also be applied in many different fields as well. Also, my boss is so knowledgeable about many things, that I learn so much from him about anything and everything! Every conversation that we have is always something new, fun and interesting. Learning is just an addiction for me, and an appetite that I can’t seem to satisfy enough. So there’s never a dull moment.
8. Visual health is important. So with therapy, I’m improving.
Vision therapy. I’ve heard of it from a friend from fencing. She would always complain about it to me, telling me how painful and awful it was. Then when I started (and told her about it) she complained to me and told me “It’s badddd! Don’t do it!” Unfortunately, for her, she said it didn’t help her after years (and then she jokes with me, wanting me to fix her brain). But for me, it’s helped me so much within a short period of time. I use to have headaches when I’d read or look at computer screens for long durations and they weren’t fun experiences, so I didn’t enjoy it. Now I can read for really long durations and not feel fatigued/nausea creeping up every 30 minutes or so. Visual health is important since it’s a direct pathway to the brain. With vision therapy, I’m retaining my brain to learn to refocus on objects through the visual system (shoo double vision!), and having a neuroscience background makes the experience a whole lot interesting, but weird at the same time. The human body, especially the nervous system, is such a curious topic. And it’s even more peculiar (in my perspective at least) when you try to look at pathways that happen within you as a human at the current moment!
Life is fun but yet daunting for me. I’m also slowly learning my likes and dislikes (non-food related of course) and I’m slowly learning that having a lot of time to recharge from being around people all the time is helpful for me and I enjoy that freedom. Even though I love to be around people, I also have a limit, and my recharge time takes forever (I feel like a phone that is constantly plugged into a charger), so I’ll have to slowly adjust, and readjust back into a more social setting.
9. I’m relearning how to be happy again.
“Ruth. You know. You should smile more.” A dear friend had once said to me. I still frown at that statement. Sure, even though I don’t smile as much as I use to, it doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying something. I just need to give my facial nerves (Cranial Nerve (CN) VII) a break, so that way they are not going to later communicate and send a signal to my brain saying “um… can we rest now? Please?! We can’t keep making you smile like this all day!” Regardless, I’m doing my best to keep a positive demeanor regardless of what happens, since I know personally, that my mood tends to affect the quality of how I do things, and that tends to be something that drives me a bit haywire.
10. It’s hard for me not to care about the tasks that I do
I think I’ve only just realized that after I finished school… (once again… pretty embarrassing how I’m not very self-aware of many habits, but I’m learning!) When I was a little girl, there would often be moments that I’d say “I don’t care!” And my parents would become upset or mad at me and tell me, “Don’t say that! If you’re going to say that then don’t do anything. You should never not care!” And then the “Asian parenting discipline techniques” would proceed. Nowadays, I only say that to annoy my parents and it drives them nuts, but they’ll still get mad at me, so I sigh, just shake my head, and roll my eyes behind their back, only feeling a bit happy on the inside since I’m beginning to rebel against them in small ways. A good analogy for my mini-rebellions against my parents is: they tell me to go left, but I’ll go right, they tell me “up” so I’ll go down. Since I’m my own person, and I have my own thoughts and and actions! But giving a 100% effort, or trying to make some results come out as best as possible is hardwired into me now, so when I perform a task, I can’t help but try to do something to an almost average/above average standard. Cooking is definitely not an exception to the rule, fencing and being a scientist follows the same principles for me as well. And I take criticism to heart, since it helps me improve. Of course, it might hurt, but it lets me look at things from a different perspective. I just can’t seem to place in only 10%, 50% or even 80% effort. It bothers me and makes me have a guilty feeling. Sure, I might get a bit lazy about it and think to myself, “eh! I don’t feel like doing this!” And push off the task after a small break. But once I get fully involved in a process, it’s hard for me to not put in full effort, regardless of how tired I am, or how dull a task might seem.
11. I’m learning how to communicate my thoughts through words rather than pen, drawing and diagrams, but…
I’ve always been horrible with communication. I do better when it comes to writing out my ideas then speaking. When I try to place what I want to say into words directly from my head, I feel like my brain moves faster than my mouth, and the ideas that end up at the tip of my tongue… turn into questionable looks from people. I oftentimes feel like I don’t make sense unless I have a writing utensil and a notebook in my hand and I write, diagram or draw out my thoughts/ideas onto paper to try to make sense of what I want to convey to people(maybe this is where the “Pen is mightier than the sword” analogy works?). Like today, when I was with a good friend and described to her about the topic of Mendel and his pea plant and the basics of genetics as well. I had my whiteboard and colorful dry erase markers, drawing out diagrams and simple pathways in layman’s terms in an attempt to make a topic more simple to understand. She said that she remembered a bit from high school, and so thanks to that I was able to build off of that knowledge and teach her a little more. It was fun for me! And then… I get carried away with drawings!
It’s been a journey so far, but it’s far from over. I still have many things I want to do, and I have many things to learn as well, so I have a feeling that I’ll be kept on my toes for a while (from a personal standpoint), and that’s okay! Since we all move at different paces and are at different parts of our lives, regardless of what age we are.
